Christmas is about the birth. But all I can think about is the opposite. Christmas of 2019 was the last time that I saw my mom alive in person. These past few days have been tough. I’m trying to focus on all the positive things such as the look in my little girl’s eyes as she opens up her presents one by one on Christmas morning. I’m attempting to focus on the time that we will get to spend with family that’s coming from out of town and enjoying each other’s company. But the truth is, I just miss my mom. I’m going to miss just hearing her voice. I’m going to miss seeing the joy and excitement in her eyes of being a grandmother giving her grandchild a ton of presents to open. I’m just going to miss her presence of just being in the room. I just keep thinking about last year and all the things that I would have done differently if I would have known that would be the last Christmas we got to spend together. I would have hugged her just a little bit longer. I would have told her how grateful and thankful I was for all the things that she has done for me all throughout my life. I would have taken a picture with just me and my mom to capture that moment forever. To say that this holiday season is difficult is an understatement. I know that she is in heaven where there is no more pain and suffering. The worries and stresses of this life are a thing of the past for her. But for me, I still have my moments where her loss is still a bit overwhelming. Thankfully, I serve a God who knows the pain of losing someone close to you.
Tuesday morning, I woke up after only a few hours of sleep and started to get ready for work. Amy was still asleep. My daughter had her cousins over for a sleep over and they were all passed out. I went to the kitchen and began to make my shake and my mind started to wander. I looked at the Christmas tree and the presents under it and tears begin to flood my eyes. All I could think about was that Christmas of last year was the last time I saw my mom alive in person. I poured my almond milk into the blender and just sat the carton on the counter. I told myself that I needed to be strong and to keep going, but I was immediately overtaken by emotion. I missed my mom. This is going to be my first Christmas without her. I’ve been trying to think about the positive things and all of the reasons why I’m thankful. But in that moment, all I could think about was her. While I was standing there, something happened. I begin to feel a warmth and comfort that I honestly don’t have the words to explain. I then heard two words inside my head, “Jesus wept.” I was instantly reminded that Jesus understood what I was going through. He knew the pain that comes with losing someone close to you and became exactly what I needed, a Comforter. Because He wept, He knew how to wipe my tears away.
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m still taking things one moment at a time. Thankfully, I heard a song Monday night that has been helping me through this week. It’s called, “We Gon’ Be Alright” by Tye Tribbett. So many people have lost so much this year. The holidays will never be the same for a lot of us. We may cry a few tears. We may have moments where we will need take a little bit of time and get ourselves back together. But you know what we are going to get through it. If you’d had a difficult and a challenging year, just know that in the end, We Gon’ Be Alright!