I’m Just Tired

There is no other way for me to describe it. As I sit here and begin to type these words, the only way I know how to express to you accurately how I’m feeling is that I am just tired. This year has been mentally draining. Every day I find the strength to continue to push through, but there are moments when I am just tired. 

It seems as if our lives changed overnight. One moment we were out living life and enjoying doing the things that we wanted to do. The next day, the country was shut down because of the pandemic that had come to our land. Thoughts of uncertainty ran through the minds of the people because no one knew exactly what would happen next. I am blessed to be considered an essential worker but even that had its own challenges. Every day for over a month, it seemed as if new changes and policies were implemented at work from corporate to help navigate through these murky waters. All of this is taking place while still having to serve the general public. People were engulfed in panic and fear. Seeing such strong emotions day after day begins to wear on you. I’d leave work mentally fatigued. Someway, somehow on the way home I’d dig deep in the well to find the energy to be a husband and a father when I got home. The next day I’d wake up with a renewed mind just to do it all over again. This eventually begins to wear on you both mentally and physically. It gets to you. 

I’m tired of the media. Unfortunately, during these times you cannot avoid it 100 percent. Everyday information is given out that will affect the way you live. In order for me to get the knowledge that I need, I must navigate through the arguments that those in power are presenting to us. Politicians are constantly fighting back and forth. I have to figure out which medical professionals are telling the truth and which are lying in regards to our health. Who truly has my best interest? Our brains are overloaded with confusion. It feels as if a mental game of tug of war is being playing in our heads to add to the tension that’s already there. I’m just tired. 

The straw that broke the camel’s back came in being reminded of the world that we live in. Some will say that seeing another shooting of an unarmed black man is just the media race baiting. To you, that’s what it may be. To me, it shows me that I must tread differently as I go about my daily journey. I’m reminded that there are some people who will not judge me based on who I am as a person. Instead, they will judge me by the color of my skin and on a preconceived notion derived from scenes created in a Hollywood studio or from the music they prefer not to listen to. Even in 2020, this is reality. After seeing this happen over and over and over and over and over and over again, I’m just tired.

I refuse to present such heaviness without a way to lighten the load. I am thankful that I have an amazing wife, family, and friends who help to make the challenging times better. It seems that right when I reach my breaking point, the things that I need become readily available. My gym has opened back up and that is very good for my mental health. Things opening back up also means that it’s time for me to take a vacation. Stepping away from the everyday routine of life is a great way to get rejuvenated. Look, I know that I’m not the only one who is feeling tired from the things that have happened over the past few months. Do what you need to do to take care of your mental health. The solution is not the same for everyone. It has been tough. You’re not in this alone. This is a marathon. You’ve done all that you can to take care of everybody else. It is ok to take time and to do things for you. You’re tired. Go and get some rest.